I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
