my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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