the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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