the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
