Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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