The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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