To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
