he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
