I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
