Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
