We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
