checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Randomize
