I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
