I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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