I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
