Yo dont text me then not text me
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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