Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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