My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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