If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
