i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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