I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
