he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
