4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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