my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
