Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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