I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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