Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
