sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
