my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
