The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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