Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I touched a dick in church today
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
