You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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