apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
