You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
