I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
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