I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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