Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
