Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
