i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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