She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
