i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
