new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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