All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
