Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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