Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
