take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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