I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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