I'm going to jail i love you
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
