How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
sarcasm needs its own font
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
