Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
