Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
