I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
