Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Last time i carry you out of a forest
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
