Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
