first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
it's great music for shaving your balls
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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