How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
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