just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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